Self Talk Part 2
“Do I even deserve this”? – I often say this and have mentioned it in many of my personal short stories. A close friend once pointed on our flight to Dubai, Priyanka, why do you always doubt, if you deserve this? My instant answer to her was yes, I do feel so, if I really deserve to be having all that I have today?
Until today, I had been living with this doubt. Today, this doubt has suddenly transformed itself into “I deserve to be who I am”. They say “Healing is Instant”, it’s only the process that is elongated.
How did this thought/belief of non-deserving transform itself into deserving?
I was always sad and I was always fearful because I had no channel to vent out my feelings. I was holding the fear of being judged, being rejected and fear of a lonely life. And in the beg I learned to say yes to everything that came my way. I didn’t know what it was to voice up for myself? Not that I didn’t know what my inner self wanted but the fear of rejection & being judged always overpowered my inner voice. And hence I was always angry. I wanted to run away from all the realities around. Accepting love was always accompanied by fear & doubt of being used. Neither could I love anyone nor could let anyone else love me. Fear of rejection did not allow me to be myself. I lived life like every other individual around me was living yet inside I was different from everyone else. I was living an acquired life, the life acquired by the surroundings, completely influenced by people, culture and society.
There was always a “HOPE” inside that one day I’ll be myself.
“Every experience is truly a valuable teacher,” wrote Oprah Winfrey in her book “What I know for sure” and while reading this book, time swayed like a cool breeze walking me down the past lanes of my life and memories oozed. One such strong memory that I consider to be an inherent quality in me is “The Ability to Self Talk”. Yes! I always did and I still do talk to myself every single day. I closed the book and left there at that page for a moment, closed my eyes to listen to the conversation that had already begun inside of me. I realized that nothing else but the fear of being rejected, being judged did not let me believe “I deserve every bit of who I am”. I truly feel free & liberated today. I am aware of who I was and I am aware of who I am. Who I am is because of who I was and I acknowledge, accept each & every part of me.
With all the odds that I was made off, I was blessed with a gift and that still remains within me, the ability to “SELF TALK”. In the loneliest of the times and the hardest phase of my life, I never forgot to “speak to myself”. The me within me was, and still is, the biggest support. I cannot think of a single day in my life when I must have not spoken with myself and I always listen to the voice that comes from inside. I acknowledge it and I also do act accordingly.
This inner voice has always been my biggest motivation.